gloomy Saturday night. i dont even know why these days being tougher so far. my shoulders feel damn heavy. is this my limitation? :')
crying in the middle of night with nobody can hear, cause everyone is sleeping. trying to hold the scream. badly, i just want something that called "normal life" like other peoples have. is it too much to ask??? is it weird?
i just hate everything. it never gets fuckin easy. why should many people determine my happiness? fuck. i hate questioning "WHY?" Like i said before. it will take along explanation.
seriously..... i dont wanna to be totally alone, to be honest. even after saying , "leave me fuckin alone." that's when i really needed someone to be there not to leave me. unfortunately, nobody does that now. hahahaha... so funny. suddenly, i remembered along time ago.. when i was very sick and tired of that fuckin situation, i always said, "leave me alone...". yes. i remembered it clearly. when i was on phone with my ex, while crying i just said like that. but he told me that he wouldnt leave me. he still didnt close the phone, still hanging on. i didnt know... although eventually he left me in the end of relationship, even what he said to me was lie. i feel so priceless. cause no one ever appreciated me for sure and so did i. i never felt myself was loveable. everyone hurt me and left me, i never got surprised with kind of things. i was lied by jerks, left, hurt, broken, it didnt matter. i've foreknown them all.
i didnt miss my ex. the only thing i missed is "the words". yes.. that bullshit. just for my egoism. just to mellow myself out.
is it weird missing something like that? i'm worthless. people does anything they want to me. can i ask just for 'someone'? :') it's okay if many peoples hurt me. i just wanna mean for someone. and..... now... it's hopeless. hhahahahahaha.. it always ends up laughing at myself for hoping stupid things, for wanting attention when i'm fuckin this sad... makes me forgot nobody will stick around :)
people will be happy spending time with me if i'm cheerful, humorist. they will remember every single joke. but what if i'm sad, put sad face with a lot of troubles? they will feel so uncomfortable. i won't blame anybody. myself isn't strong enough... strong enough to get over it.
every person in my life was insane, seems like they cant mind their own business, always correcting mine. i need to set myself free from this craziness.
i'm sorry i couldnt be like other girl. i'm just the one who is faking a smile everytime, i'm sorry if i was doing it bad. i'm sorry i couldnt be someone with normal thoughts and point of view, normal talk. i'm sorry i couldnt act sweetly or spoiled. i'm just me with a heartache, holding all pieces on my own. trying to pretend it's ok. it doesnt hurt at all... i've been learning to accept all things that happen. i dont expect to be understood. people leaves, lies.. i will be ok. i'm gonna be fine... :) they left cause i wasnt like others. they thought i had been too quite, too weak, over. i was the one who hold much pain... i also wanted to be someone else with less pain. but i couldnt. it's just the way i'm. at least, i'm trying not to burden anyone. i promise. people wasnt always be there for me, thats why i had to handle things on my own.
if i told them, they would see me strangely, cause i was out the line. it wasnt i wanted.... it wasnt i asked... to sat alone like a loner. NO. to wake up with nightmare, to have less sleep, lose my weight, have empty sight.
i'm so sick. no family even when i'm home. no friends even when i'm on the crowd.
what do i expect? someone cares? haha... to be with me, not to leave me alone in this condition, to hear, to insist me tell what happening..??? sounds funny. it's been along time i realized.