Stars on my sky disappeared that day.
Lavenders on my garden turned into the dead field.
So black and white.
Eventhough I run the thousands miles looking for something real, everything is so blur here.
So lost and cold.
I live in this wasteland, filled with drought.
I can't see anything but thorns and roots.
I never grow a flower again.
Even the darkest part of me, the part that they have come and left behind; 

my selfishness kills me over and over again for longing someone just to live in this same terrible place.
I figured it out that I didn't wanna be saved, I only needed someone to stay and feel the bleeding caused by thorns.
To be blinded with the same darkness, living undercover the sunshine.
To feel the thirst of happiness.
I know why they have gone all the way, my garden wasn't beautiful and colorful.
It was just filled with dead Lavenders.
I played with the tears and pretended to be happy.
I held on their hands too tightly, so then I broke them accidentally.

I sang them a lullaby and hope they would sleep forever in my arms.

I think I gave them the best, but what I really did was feeding them with selfish desires.

All I needed was a statue decorated with flowers, never go anywhere and still look beautiful.
I never let them taste any other floral scents, they would forget mine.
That's why I covered their noses so that they were hardly breathing and then dying.
Always something I love becomes something I lost.
I always take someone's breath away.
I kill the person I love the most because I want him to be awhole mine.
I finally figured it out that I was the one who have horrible habit.

The world isn't a peaceful place where you can lay on your body and daydreaming.
You have to stay awake and aware of every dangerous that can possibly happen.
You can never trust anyone who come over you, even they may seem weak, but they can eat you inside.
You don't even know what kind of weapons they're carrying on inside their bodies.
You will become friendless. You have to fight alone to be braver, to be your own savior.
You can't even always just pray for mercy, when there's none. You will scream where God is... but you won't find any.
The world is such as a dirty place.

Kali ini gw mau ngeblog tentang TEMEN & how careless I become.

Jadi di kantor, gw emang punya temen seruangan yg baru masuk 1 taon setelah gw kerja di kantor gw.
Kita lumayan akrab, meskipun beberapa dari sifat dia gak cocok sama gw, but she's only human & I receive her full packages.
Awal kenal emang banyak problem internal dari diri gw nya, yahhh I was kinda "perfectionist" about attitudes, jadi orang salah dikit tuh gw selalu risih. Itu habit gw. Tapi gw gak pernah show up kalopun gw risih atopun kesel karna dia "temen" gw.
Balik lagi ke diri gw sendiri....
Menurut gw, temen itu lebih penting ketimbang pacar ato apapun deh. Jadi gw kalo udah temenan, gw selalu put them on first, do anything I can do, gw gak pernah marah atopun ngomong kasar sama orang yg bener2 gw anggep temen gw, meskipun dia ngekiin lah sampah lah, gw tetep agungin dia kayak emas. *yakaleee*
Intinya mau seberapa burukpun perlakuan temen gw ke gw, gw terima. #akureladisakiti #macemmasokis 😂
Yaaahh tapi itu semua mindset gw sebelom ketemu temen gw yg seruangan sama gw ini.
Alesan gw rubah mindset gw itu karna I've been disappointed by friends many times I could bear with.
Terakhir kali itu sama temen yg temenan dari SMP kelas 9 sama gw sampe lulus sekolah, dia egois & pendiem sih. Intinya she betrayed me with her new bitchy friend. She talked about me behind my back & etc.
Itu terakhir kalinya gw mutusin buat nganggep seseorang itu "TEMEN". :)
I can be careless if I want. Just dont expect for my attention. So, selama ini gw temenan ama temen seruangan gw, gw kaga pernah feel apapun untuk nempatin dia sebagai  temen gw, gw anggep dia orang gak penting yg cuma nemenin gw di ruangan, dia cuma temporary ppl.
Dia sempet bilang gw itu orang yg cuek banget. (Padahal gw bukan tipe orang yg cuek).
Then, baru2 ini dia sakit. Sempet rawat di RS & gak boleh masuk kantor 3 bulan. Otomatis gw di ruangan sendiri donk? Do I feel lonely? Hell NO.
Emang biasanya kita juga becanda2, ngobrol seharian, tapi anehnya gw sama sekali gak ngerasa efek apa2 setelah she's gone. How tough have I become? It's worse hahaha.
Bahkan orang2 kantor gw pun liat kita akrab banget udah kayak sodaraan. Aneh kan? Deket, tapi "jauh".
Gw bener2 cover diri gw banget buat careless.
Dia sakit & beberapa orang2 kantor gw mau jengkuk dia, kecuali gw.
Gw sama sekali gada niatan mau jenguk dia sama sekali, gw juga sama sekali gak BBM dia tanyain keadaannya like friends should do. Gw bener2 anggep dia udah ilang gitu aja, no worry, no wonder.
Temen gw sempet nanya, "Ti, lu gak mau jenguk dia? "
& gw cuma ketawa kecil sambil bilang, "ehmm mau sih.".
Tapi yaudah gitu aja.
But now....
Maybe I realized that I was wrong.
I closed my eyes, don't wanna see anything.
I closed my ears, don't wanna hear anything.
& maybe my heart as hard as stone, but can I change who am truly I?
Kenyataannya, gw cuma berusaha lari, gak nyelesaiin masalah sama sekali. Saking cueknya, jadi malah lewatin mungkin orang yg penting buat gw. :)

10 hari setelah hari Kemerdekaan. (Sumfeehh gak ada hubungannya)*biar terkesan keren aja*

Malem ini sekitar jem 8an gw pergi makan ama cowo gw di tempat biasa sebrang WTC, makan lesehan gitu pinggir jalan.
Pas lagi makan, kan emang tuh tempat banyak pengamennya karna gw udaj sering makan disitu jadi udah biasa aja. Belakang meja gw ada engko2 kacamata panggil aja si conge ama bininya lagi makan & sebrang meja dia ada 4 org ibu2 (yg 1 ada yg bagong).
Lagi asik makan dateng 1 pengamen yg emang kalo nyanyi suaranya lantang banget, dia diiringin ama gitar kecil yg dia maenin sendiri. Gw udah langsung kasih 500rp ke dia & dia masih nyanyi nunggu yg laen ngasi juga.
Gak lama si conge bilang : "Mas udahan mas stop... soalnya kuping saya terganggu, gak kuat kupingnya dengernya."
pengamen : "yah sorry bos namanya Jakarta." *nada slow*
Si conge : "Tapi kuping saya keganggu blablabla...."
Truuusss gatau GIMANA CRITANYA YAH CEWE BAGONG DARI MEJA SEBRANG IKUTAN NYAMBER & MARAH2 : "GUE MAU KASIH TANGAN GUE LAGI KOTOR, LO MAU GUE BAYAR BERAPA SIH!!!??? *MELOTOT* *KEA KETJEH AJA* *MELOTOT ALA IBU TIRI SINETRON*
Pengamen : "Gausah bu gausah... *melas* *senyum2 gak enak*
Ibu2 satu lagi pasang muka judes : "LO KALO GAK BISA NYANYI YAH KELUAR AJA SONO!"
pengamen : "Tapi kan saya mau kasih makan anak istri saya di rumah."
Ibu2 sialan tadi bilang : "TRUS EMANG APA URUSANNYA AMA GUE!!??? *PASANG MUKA NGERENDAHIN* *TATAPAN JIJIK*
Temen2nya nyautin : "Tau apa urusannya kaliiii..."
Reflek banget gw udah gondok mampus gw panggil aja tuh pengamen kenceng2 : "Mas... mas... nih" *sambil kasih seribu lagi* *senyum2 nyolot* *lirik2 sinis*
Pengamen : "Makasih yahh didoain semoga sukses yah & biar Tuhan yg bales."
4 ibu2 babu tadi : "HAH SUKSES??? HAHAHAHAHHAHA......."
Anjiiirrr abis itu mereka kasak kusuk sambil ketawa2 gitu....
Meskipun serendah2nya derajat seseorang, kita gak punya hak buat merendahkan orang lain. Gw kepikiran aja gimana rasanya jadi pengamen digituin ckckckck.. akhirannya jadi gondok sendiri + kasian.😢 jadi gak nyadar juga nangis, kirain kepedesan makan sambel.
Ampe tuh 4 ibu2 pergi, gak lama gw udahan makan langsung mau bayar, kebetulan si conge juga lagi bayar. Gw EHEMMMM EHEMMIN aja. Ternyata tuh org langganan makan disana, heran bin herannnnn..... udah sering makan disitu, TAPI ADA PENGAMEN MALAH KEGANGGU.!!?? udah tau disana banyak pengamennya, gak mau keganggu gausah makan di pinggiran shit, makan di resto! Punya masalah pendengeran tuh ke dokter THT lah. Wtf.
Pas diluar mau keluarin motor, si conge lelet, cowo gw juga lagi keluarin motor. Bininya si conge lagi bediri nungguin dia, gw tabrak aja pundaknya gw lewatin sambil lipet tangan.
Udah jalan, eh bener aja ketemu lagi aja ama si conge di lampu merah (waaahhh berarti emang harus dibales). Gw suruh cowo gw mepetin motornya ke sebelah si conge.
Dia org liat gw nengok, gw buka masker gw, gw teriak gede2 : "UHUUUKKK UHUUKKK... KALO GW BATUK KUPING LO KEGANGGU JUGA GAK!!????? APA GAK BISA JUGA LO DENGER SUARA BATUK JANGAN2???!!"  *lirik2 sinis*
Gw bukan tipe org yg udah tau sesuatu tapi malah diem, pura2 bego, udahlahh cuekin aja, pura2 gk liat. 😄 emang sih pura2 gk ngeliat itu lebih mudah dibanding nolongin, tapi kalo gw kea gitu slalu ada rasa nyesel & gw cuman gk mau aja kayak gitu.
Gak abis pikir org bisa sejahat itu ama org lain, bisa kea gitu. Moga dapet balesan aja deh :)