Beginning of this month feels so bad. Errrrrr..... random feelings mixed, current mood. Freaking annoying!
So many bad accidents happened in this month, first problem was..... money ￣︿￣ then trouble sleeping, many tasks at office cause my bosses will have trip to Australia.
Everyone talked so much and proved nothing. Always like that. Trying to believe no one.
After meeting an old spiritual man who has told me blablabla.. about my bad habits, i feel so guilty until today. He told me to fix all my habits like selfishness, madness, jealousy.  Cause I've made a really big mistake for letting my ex go, broke up with him, although he really loved me. I felt loss too. But we couldn't get back together.,just regret left now. but i don't wanna get back too, i have my present relationship now, no use looking back, i no longer loved him. I also don't wanna do the same mistake I've ever made, but anyone can tell me how not to be jealous? how not to be afraid of losing someone you love so much? Cause i just can't deny what i feel inside. Fear of losing, i also don't wanna feel it if only i could do. ╮(╯_╰)╭
Maybe.. little by little I'm gonna handle all these unnecessary feelings on my own. *Sigh*
Yes all that old man has said to me was right, i knew i had not been good enough. I couldn't keep something, messed up. In order to be like this way, I've been through many things, leaning many things, like i couldn't really change someone, although i did, if they didn't want to be with me, they wouldn't do. As simple as that, why i tried so hard. Guys always fell to bitches and hoes, a good women weren't needed. Stop chasing. If he wanted to be with me, he would. If he wanted to be with that bitch, i would let him enjoy his seat. I've seen some proofs like that. I tried hard to change someone to be better person, not to fall to wrong girl, i did good things, even he did otherwise, i stayed. But pfffttt..... no good result i received. He fell to bitch, smoking girl. So i was done trying ;) asshole and bitch, what a perfect lover for each other.
I knew i couldn't spread my legs as easy as she did, smoked as good as her, and i couldn't "blow", cause i wanted to do with right man in the right time. She should have learned that some guys just didn't know how to shut their mouth. As fast as you bitch did obscene, so did their ability to spread their pride. Then everyone knew that you're a hoe. Congratulations! ;)
Then..... when i did care much, it felt like i was really begging someone not to leave. And they did otherwise. It's ok, but when i stop caring, don't start. ( ▔___▔)y-～
Anger took too much energy, just be careless all things were better.
Yes, kindness always mistaken as weakness.
Then, NEVER depend on anybody. *It seems like I've said it bunch times*
How can you hang on to uncertain things?

Ehmmmm... these days, seemed like everyone i met liked to talk about "marriage " щ(゜ロ゜щ)
*I know i was old already* :(
That old man also told me about my marriage should be, i wasn't ready for that. Marriage was tough things, it needed commitments and consistent. My mom, my friends, and so does stranger told me about marriage.
Honestly, i never wondered it as a beautiful thing. Ehmmmm... many marriage broken. Husband left. So boring.
Even the most holy promise that pronounced in front of God can be broken. :$ so funny.
I really don't wanna talk about future, It's disguising. just prove me that things aren't bad as they seem.

Anyway, i miss my coffee, white coffee feels less better. ╮(╯3╰)╭
And i need snacks. No food while working is BAD.
Just candies left now, not enough ;((
Few days again I'll leave my room at office, cause an auditor will be put into mine for 2weeks. I can't sleep at office again, i will move to my 2 friend's room. During 2weeks later i should have really enough sleep and buy coffee.